I've read somewhere that in order to be happy in life, you have to avoid comparing yourself to others, because as they say, you never know the problems they carry. I do believe in that, and i try, as much as i possibly can, to practice that attitude. But at one point or another, i get these thoughts that maybe, justice, or fairness, or whatever it should be called, just doesn't apply equally to people.
All my life all i did was to try and make everyone i love happy. I sure can't, and I will never be able to do it. Too bad it took more than 2 decades of my life for me to realize that I have been trying to prove myself too much. For the first time in my life i refused to do what i was told, simply because i could never do it. I do not have the strength, or courage to give it up. And for just one single moment that i said YES to myself, the rest of the world that I have grown to know, turned its back on me.
This whole week i have spent my days at home, lying in bed in my regressed position, crying, thinking of any reason to look forward to the next day. I was HOPELESS. I try to think of all the good, exciting plans that i have kept in the corners of my mind, and nada! nothing.. i see nothing but a blank wall ahead of me. I was so scared-- afraid that for the first time, i had the courage to end everything. I knew something was wrong with me. I was too depressed about everything that has been happening, and could no longer think of a solution to any of it, no, not one.I had this feeling that nothing would ever get better. I just kept on sinking, and sinking, and sinking.
The worse part, is that i knew exactly how to execute the dark thoughts that fogged my mind. I kept praying for God to make things lighter for me to bear. I sleep, and wake up to that hollow feeling that's slowly eating me from within. I stayed in bed almost the whole day each day, trying to find the littlest strength left in me to stand up and eat, or drink. I was being drained by my sorrow.
Then for some reason, i saw this little book that i havent been able to read for quite some time. I opened and read the message for that day.
"we are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair...it will be worth it all when we see Jesus"..
I paused for a while and thought about what i've read, but as stubborn as i was, i refused to relate it with what i was feeling. i turned the pages while i stared blankly at each leaf, as if i was still looking for an answer to anything. finally, i stopped..
"Love SUFFERS long and is kind; love does not envy; love DOES NOT parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks NO EVIL; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears ALL things, believes all things, hopes all things, ENDURES all things. LOVE NEVER FAILS" 1 Corinthians 13:1-8
love will never fail. no matter how hard the problem may be, love, as true as it is, will never lose. In the end there will be no more tears, only new found strength. Our goal of happiness will be achieved, and all this pain will be worth it.